


So far

by LeilansDream



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Amnesia, Amnesic!Astra, Astra POV, Canon Divergence, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Pre General Danvers, Song fic, healing story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-01 09:14:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18797377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeilansDream/pseuds/LeilansDream
Summary: That time Astra feels like she doesn't belong and like she losteverything.PLOT : Astra doesn't die after being stabbed by Alex, despite what everyone believes. Her coffin crashes back on Earth, where she is saved and nurtured back to health by Dr. Pamela Isley. After many months, her body is healed but one important thing is still missing : her memories.Pre General Danvers with lots of feels.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this whole chapter on two songs :  
>  _> "So far" by Olafur Arnald_  
>  _> "Ember" by Tony Anderson (with rain sound) _  
>    
>  _(This story is a slight crossover between Supergirl tv show and my 'The daughter of Poison Ivy' universe (because I wanted to see my two favorite eco-terrorist villainesses interrac <3\. Also has lots of General Danvers feels).)_

_Astra…_

For a moment, Astra thought she heard a soft voice. She turned from the window and was briefly haunted by the vision of a beautiful woman with shoulder long reddish brown hair and sporting black leathers, looking at her with compassion and determination. But the moment the general caught the expressiveness in her eyes, the moment she lingered on the intricate patterns of brown and grey of her irises, the image vanished. Like a dream. A ghost. A presence, calling her. Always.

Astra stood still, her mouth opened, her arm spread in thin air, uselessly trying to catch a reality that eluded her.

She blinked herself back to reality. If only she could remember. Pieces and fragments of memories have been haunting her since the past months without really making any sense. Nameless faces and intense feelings but no chronological consistency, no episotic memory. Laying back against the white frame of the window, she mused that it would be wonderful if each drops of the rain currently crashing on the glass could carry a part of her lost past. If drinking that water could give her back every bit she forgot. She felt lost. Alone.

A coldness passed through her spine. She shivered.

She took in her hands the tea cup she previously left on the table, but its warmth wasn't enough to soothe her. She took a sip, trying to hold into small comfort to avoid breaking into millions of pieces.

The lady who was nice enough to nurture her back to health came through the door of the spacious living room, pausing at the entrance, her elegant shape resting on the frame. Astra felt a strange kinship to the woman, a Dr Pamela Isley, even though she couldn't quite pinpoint the reason why. After all, they barely knew each other and the red head mostly kept to herself.

Astra frowned. The doctor seemed to hesitate before speaking. Like if saying what she was about to say was causing her some distress.

Dr Isley finally left her spot and walked towards the brunette, pulling Astra's hands in hers. Astra frowned, this attitude was highly unusual. The red head opened her mouth to speak, but finally thought better of it.

“What?” Astra muttered impatiently, now convinced there was obviously something the matter. She tried to search the woman's green eyes, but the later avoided her.

The doctor's daughter, Lillian, appeared at the door and the two family members exchanged a knowing look. The red head still not speaking, so Astra turned to the young teenager's blue eyes for answers. “What? Have you...”

Had they finally found something about her identity? About her past? Her lost memories? They've been searching for weeks on ends without results.

The young teenager held her gaze intensely then, looking suddenly so serious and grown up for her age. “Do you really want to know about your past?”

“What, what have you found out? Tell me!” Astra insisted, shaking Pamela's hands, her heart beating faster in her chest.

The two family members exchanged another silent look. “What comforts you?” Lillian, the young teen, asked instead.

“What comforts me? But...” Astra was confused. Why would she ask that? What was this about? Her mind was racing. A panic was rising in her. She could feel in her gut that something was very, very wrong.

“No, no no no no no! It can't be that bad.” She continued, pulling her hands away violently, like if she was suddenly holding something burning hot.

Astra headed outside at a lightning speed. She came to a stop when the heavy rain suddenly hit her face. She had nowhere to go, really, she realized as the cool water sled on her skin and wet her clothes. So instead she sat outside, in the small garden beside the impressive greenhouse. The place was quiet, protected from the near by street by tall gates and dense vines. Her hands were shaky, her breath uneven. Not remembering was terrifying. She felt like she didn't belong. The people she met tried to make her feel at home and safe, but deep down she knew she didn't belong here. That she was different somehow. And not understanding her difference terrified her, made her feel powerless.

Crouched on the ground, holding her knees, she let the rain take away her tears. 'General Astra', a name carved on a tag on the dark blue robe they find her in, is all she knew of herself. The only fragment she could hold on to from her past. But general of what? General of who? She didn't feel anything like someone who could rule. She felt like someone who lost everything.

Astra's dense hair were starting to be completely wet by the time the elegant red head finally made her way outside. She looked as Pamela calmly removed her heels and jacket before stepping outside under the rain, without even a shiver, to sat on the cold ground beside her.

“When I was a child, what I cared the most for were plants. They were gentle and beautiful, and taking care of them brought me comfort in a chaotic world.” Pamela started, unexpectedly. “Years later, I was studying for my PHd in chemistry and botany when my life completely turned around. I wasn't the same after. I did things that hurt a lot of people.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Astra was extremely surprised at the sudden openness of the previously so mysterious and kept to herself woman.

“Because....” she sighed. “You are not alone.”

“What do you mean? Tell me!” Astra pleaded.

Instead of answering, Pamela went on. “I can't say I regret what I did, but I can't say it made me happy either. Actually, it brought me to very bad places. Until I met Harley and then, Lillian.”

“You met your daughter?”

“She's adopted.” the woman explained shyly, glancing her way briefly.

“Oh. I...”

“... had no idea, I know.”

They stayed like that in silence, feeling the rain pour on them, the water progressively making their hair and clothes stick on their skin and wash them clean. Pamela finally broke the silence.

“I found out your identity. You are safe here, but out there, you're in trouble. Lots of trouble.”

Astra turned her way then, concerns showing on her face.

The red head went on. “I don't know if you would prefer to put it all behind you and start over or if... you really want to know. Maybe forgetting was a blessing.”

Astra's face contorted in a sad, worried expression. “What did I do? What happened?”

“Well, you didn't do much. You tried and failed, I guess.”

Astra shot a questioning gaze. She didn't understand. The woman was being so cryptic, it was driving her mad. “Show me.”

Pamela nodded in silence.

 

***

 

Once changed and dried, Dr Isley installed her laptop on the kitchen island for everyone to see. Astra found her composure back. She wasn't sure that to sugar coat the information for her was really helping her to cope at all, even if she could see it came from good intentions.

“I didn't know what could bring you comfort, so... have these.” Lillian pulled Astra from her train of thoughts. The girl held in her hands a small pot in which was an elegant green plant with beautiful star-shaped white flowers. “Those are Bethlehem' Star and since your name means “star” in latin, I thought of you. Some use the flower's properties to bring comfort and soothe pains and sorrow. I thought it was doubly appropriate.” She finished with a smile.

Astra couldn't help but smile in return. “Thank you, little one.” She offered warmly, accepting the kind gift. She took a short moment to appreciate the flowers before putting them aside, her expression turning serious and composed once again. She needed to face the reality of her life, whatever drama it might hold.

Pamela too had changed her attitude, Astra realized. She was looking like a doctor ready to give a report on her field of expertise. Focussed. Serious. Cold even.

Astra looked as the doctor opened folders. Pictures, reports, words, she caught a glimpse of it before the red head started her explanations.

“With some friend's help, I found out your identity. If you don't have any official papers anywhere, it's because you are not from Earth. I had figured out that much a while ago, but it still didn't give me much clue as to who...”

“I'm sorry WHAT!?” Astra cut her abruptly. “Why didn't you tell me sooner that I'm... not from Earth? Is this not a pertinent information about my condition?” She was fuming.

Her interlocutor stayed ice cold. “I had my reasons. I'll get back to that later.”

Astra wanted to know what the woman had discovered, so she didn't argue further. For the moment. Her eyes were throwing daggers though.

“You... are from a planet called Krypton.” Pamela pursued, temporary hesitation in her voice. “It was destroyed a long time ago. From what I gathered from the reports I stole from the secret organization of the DEO, you had tried to save your planet by violent means and was imprisoned for it.” She paused. “At some point, the prison you were in crashed on Earth and then you tried to saved this planet from its own destruction too, but was stopped once again.”

“This Earth is in danger of annihilation?” Astra needed to know, even though her brain was still trying to process the 'your planet was destroyed long ago' part.

Pamela sighed. “Depends on perspective.”

“Nothing like Krypton.” Lillian chimed in quickly, which elicited an eye roll from her mother. “But we do destroy the resources of our planet. We won't explode though. It's just that sometimes, we're not really wise as a specie.”

“That's an understatement.” Pamela humphed.

Astra frowned, trying to get it all in. She didn't know what she found the more upsetting, that her planet was destroyed or that she failed twice or that she was once again stranded on a planet in need of saving. Is all the universe the same?

Suddenly, the faces that haunted her for the past months resurfaced. Her heart wrenched at the thought of her loved ones to be all dead.

“So... am I the last of my kind?” The brunette asked after a while. Astra thought of the young smiling blond she kept seeing in her dreams, the brunette in black clothes whose presence seemed to linger by her side or the dear one that she remembered every time she saw her own reflection in the mirror, a twin undoubtebly... Were those... dead too?

There it was, Pamela's hand twitching again, the discomfort apparent despite her effort to stay composed. To Astra's surprise, Lillian took the lead of the conversation instead.

“Actually... not really. You have some family but... you fought against them. They protected humans against your Myriad project.”

Astra wanted to say something, but it stayed stuck in her throat. Instead, she asked : “Myriad? Show me their faces.”

“That's your niece.” Lillian went on, opening pictures on the screen and ignoring the Myriad topic for the moment. Astra recognized instantly the blonde from her dream and a warm feeling spread through her chest. She was alive! The thought alone made her smile.

“Her name is Kara. She's... well... Supergirl too. I think she's the blonde in your dreams you were talking to me about, isn't she?”

Astra nodded, tears clouding her eyes. She might not have clear memories, but it's like her heart remembered what her brain refused to let her know. “Anyone else still alive?”

The next picture showed the brunette in black uniform. “Alex...” Astra whispered instantly, the name coming out of her lips instinctively.

Lillian smiled. “You remember!? Yeah. Alex Danvers. She's Kara's adopted sister, while Kara is your niece. She's the one you hear sometimes calling your name, isn't she?”

Astra nodded, the girl's intuition was on point and she sure haven't miss a beat of what she'd confide in her. As she watched more intently at the DEO official pictures, a pain suddenly rose in her chest where her wound once was. The general winced, instinctively rising a hand to protect the now healed wound, her body seemingly reliving something her mind couldn't comprehend yet.

A smaller hand quickly covered her own and blue eyes locked in hers with compassion. “She's also the one who killed you.”

Astra was shocked. How was that possible? She felt lost. Broken. So confused.

She wanted to panic and scream and destroy but the little girl in front of her stayed calm and anchored, her eyes hooked in hers. And before she knew it, Astra took a shaky deep breath instead, feeling some of the pain go as tears formed in her eyes. Flashes then came in her mind, images of her niece crouched by her side, crying, calling her name. She remembered feeling acceptance of her own death in that moment. A soldier's death.

Astra faltered, but was caught by Pamela's strong grip and felt herself be guided to her guest room. A human song echoed in her mind as her memories unlocked in a blur.

The lost echoes of a raging storm.  
_(listen to : "So far" by Olafur Arnald)_

 

 _So far from who I was_  
_From who I love_  
_From who I want to be_

 

So this… is who she've been?

 

 _So far from all our dreams_  
_From all it means_  
_From you here next to me_

 

Krypton. The dream of home. Of love. Of Kara, her dear niece, playing innocently. Of her sister Alura and her family. It made sense now. Her memories coming more clearly. Colorful, Alive…

 

 _So far from seeing home_  
_I stand out here alone_  
_Am I asking for too much?_

 

… then... gone. Forever gone. A whole planet, a whole culture vaporized. And her new home? What has she done with it? A second chance. Tainted, vanished in blood.

 

 _So far from being free_  
_Of the past that's haunting me_  
_The future I just can't touch_

 

She've burned all her bridges. Killed all hopes of redemption. Her pain is just too much.

 

 _And if you take my hand_  
_Please pull me from the dark_  
_And show me hope again_

 

Kara. Alex. Alura... Because she've been haunted by smiles and soft voices and compassionate dreams. Because her spirit remembered Alex pleading her to change side. Because her heart knew Kara still loved her dearly. Because her mind believed there was another way.

Because she glimpsed at light before it all went down in darkness.

 

 _We'll run side-by-side_  
_No secrets left to hide_  
_Sheltered from the pain_

 

But the pain wasn't gone yet and she heard herself scream and debate in thin air, becoming more and more oblivious to the reality around her. Because all she saw was Krypton exploding again and Kara crying and the agony of Kryptonite in her vein... oh the torture.

It all came back to her in a torrent of sensations and emotions, a tsunami taking over her. She distantly felt restrains being put on her arms and legs, pinning her on a mattress and she was grateful for them. Like if something in this world willed to hold her together, tried at least to keep her whole when she couldn't do it for herself.

And more memories unfolded, from her past, from her life on Krypton, both good and bad. All those elements that led her to be who she became. One after the other, points on a path so desperately clear now.

As the rush calmed, Astra glimpse through watery eyes at the sight of Lillian sitting at the edge of her bed, impassive.

Without thinking, Astra parted shaking lips: “Gone. They're all gone.” she confided, her voice breaking in sobs as she spoke.

“I know.”

Astra saw a single tear ran on the girl's cheek. Their gaze locked and for a brief moment, she felt like she wasn't alone. Like if both literally and metaphorically speaking, another soul was sitting by her side, accepting to acknowledge her suffering. She felt heard and validated. In that moment, her pain subdued and the tension in her muscle loosen. Her mind was soon dragged in a deep, agitated sleep.

 

***

 

“Astra... Hey, wake up. You need to drink this.”

Astra heard Dr Isley's voice pull her from her sleep. She wanted to complain but Pamela didn't give her the chance.

“It will help you. Please.” she insisted firmly and the general reluctantly complied. She had no reason to doubt the woman. Beside, she was thirsty.

Astra was relieved that Dr Isley didn't ask how she was doing. It would have been impossible to describe how she felt. She simply didn't know the words.

“Would you like some medication to help you sleep more?” the red head asked simply, while eying her in an indescribable manner.

The kryptonian nodded. She felt drained, so drained and the last things she wanted was to have another flash back. She had no tears left to cry. She expected a pill or another drink, but she swear that all she was conscious off was Pamela's delicate fingers stroking her cheek and then perceive a soft flowery scent before drifting back to sleep.

 

***

 

When she woke up again, the general felt a warm bubble by her side. Lillian had wrapped an arm around her torso and nudged her body close to hers. It was a nice thing to wake up to, she thought. Tears threatened to come back at the thought of all she lost but she blinked them away, focussing on the comforting warmth by her side and the reality around her.

Rays of sunshines were passing by the tall window now, so Astra supposed she was asleep for at least a day. Having her memories back after living without them for a few months felt strange, at best. In a way, she felt whole and more in control of her life and her decisions. It was empowering. In another way, she felt completely broken, confused. She couldn't help but to put back in question her life choices, particularly recent ones, which she never had time to delve on.

Thinking seemed to give her a headache, so Astra quickly abandoned her train of thoughts and, accepting the warmth embrace, she drifted back to rest.

 

***

 

It lasted a few days in which Astra slept a lot, eat little, drifting back and forth from the realm of consciousness. She was convinced that the drinks Dr Isley insisted on giving her was in part responsible for her capacity to gain so much sleep hours. It was unusual for her. But she didn't fight it. Not this time. The kryptonian allowed the flow of things to go on without trying to control them for a change. Astra knew deep in her core that she was supposed to be dead and that she lost... everything. Or has she? She still had her life, despite being so close to lose it. And Kara and Alex were still alive too, so it had to count for something. She was also fed and taken care off by two humans.

The general tried not to think too much. Living a period of time without her memories now gave her a new perspective on them, on her life, on her choices.

A few days passed in that strange place of uncertainties. Of re appropriating her own self, her own life story. A lot of silence and alone time.

It didn't take long for Astra to realize she didn't have access to her kryptonian super powers. But a few days passed and she didn't ask why. Instead, she laid in the majestic greenhouse taking baths of sunlight. Or she watched outside the window, feeling both at odds and comforted to not have access to her super vision. Or her super hearing. So much silence going around, so much quiet, so much peace. No one was really talking anymore in the house since the revelation of her identity.

It lasted a few days in which Astra slept a lot, eat little and allowed the flow of her emotions and outside events to unfold without holding on to them. She felt lost in a blur. It lasted a few days that felt like an eternity.

 

***

It lasted, until one morning, the world fell into place once again and Astra knew in her heart what to do. When Pamela came with the special drink that morning, the kryptonian politely declined. The red head searched her gaze for a moment but finally nodded her understanding.

Astra knew a serious discussion with Pamela was needed, because she knew more about her kryptonian origin than she'd let on, but she'd rather start with the child first.

Astra's fingers gently moved over her borrowed clothes, trying to decide what to wear for the day. Until... her hand rested on the dark blue kryptonian robe the humans have found her in. A blue so dark that it looked like a night sky. She remembered begging Pamela not to throw it away despite it was stench in blood at the back. Being amnesiac at the time, every single little thing of her lost past she would cling to desperatly.

She remember Dr Isley made the most incredulous face she's ever seen her make, like if the woman couldn't understand for the life of her why someone could care for a piece of clothe. Astra smiled at the memory. Pamela did cave in though, and she did more than that, because when the doctor brought her garment back, it had been remarkably cleaned of all blood and smelled fresh.

 

***

 

Astra didn't need her super hearing to notice the quiet sobs coming from the greenhouse. After being adorably clingy, Lillian had progressively grown more and more distant and the kryptonian wondered if she had wounded the kid in some way.

“May I speak with you?” she asked solemnly, staying at a respectful distance. The girl was sitting by her favorite tree a few meters away, her head barely pecking over the tall ferns.

At the words, Lillian stood on her feet and dried her eyes rapidly. “Sure.” Taking in Astra demenor and kryptonian dark blue robe, she added “Are you feeling better?”

“I believe so, yes.”

The girl nodded and they both sat on a bench near by.

“So...” the teen started, “do you know what you're gonna do?”

The general took a deep breath. “Yes, I do. Now that I remember everything, I will go back to Alex and Kara and surrender to them.”

Lillian searched her eyes and then nodded silently. “You miss them, don't you?”

“I miss Kara, yes. Alex...”

“Are you in love with her?”

The kryptonian scoffed at the bluntness of the question. “Since the last time we met we fought and she stabbed me after I tried to kill her, I'm not sure I would call it 'love' quite yet.”

“Yeah but... you remembered her even when you forgot others. And if you were afraid of what she did to you, you would have nightmare of her, not soothing dreams! To be honnest, when I read in the report that she's the one who killed you, I didn't believe it. Until... I saw your face when you were looking at her picture and the pain in your chest... then I knew it was true.” she finished on a sadder tone.

“I don't blame her for what she did. I know she took no pleasure in the act. She was just protecting her own. I would have done the same. Did you know I called her 'Brave One' once? She is different from the others of her kind.”

Lillian smiled earnestly. “I hope you get to see her again then.”

“I plan on it.” They both stayed in silence for a moment, before she went on. “If I may ask, has knowing my identity changed the way you perceive me?”

“Not really. You have the same soul.” she said with a shrug and a gentle smile and Astra felt her heart swell.

“Have I hurt you somehow then?” she still wondered.

Lillian shook her head. “I just feel for you. All your lost. All your pain. I've read your story, I've seen you.”

“Is that... why you were crying?” the kryptonian tried to understand.

The girl seemed to ponder the question a moment and decided to ask one of her own instead. “Knowing all the bad things that happened in your life, do you regret remembering?”

“No, I don't.” Astra searched in her mind the right words to explain how she felt. Taking a deep breath, she kneeled before the girl so she could look at her face to face. “I can't regret. This is my life. If I can't remember the mistakes I made, how am I supposed to not make them again? If I don't remember the losses, how can I remember that I have loved?”

“But... aren't you afraid that some of those cruel memories will make you be bad?”

Astra frowned. That was an unexpected line of questionning. “Little One” she said fondly, feeling ok to share the endearing term with the young human she considered a friend, “what happens to you doesn't define you. It's how you react to those events that make you who you are.”

At those words, tears filled Lillian's eyes.

“What's the matter?” Astra prodded.

“I have those memories. They are really, really bad. I don't want to remember but they're coming back to me anyways. Harley said that sometimes when we go through horrible things, our mind just forget them and they can resurface later. But I don't want them!” she finished as her voice broke into a sob.

The general felt at loss. It didn't make sense to her that a girl so young would claim to have such horrible memories. Not knowing what to say, she took her in her arms, letting tears fall on her shoulder.

“Does your mother knows about this?” Astra asked after a moment.

The young teenage shook her head. “I'm sure she's gonna hate me.”

Astra smiled softly. “If there is one thing i've come to be sure off by living here for three months is that your mother loves you. How could she hates you for remembering something?”

“Do you think that even if they are bad memories, I can chose to be good?” Lillian asked instead on a calmer tone, drying her tears.

“I'm sure you can be whoever you wish to be.”

That statement evoked a smile in the girl's face. “Ok. Maybe if you could face all your life's memories, maybe I can, too.” She assessed, encouraged.

“I still think you should talk to Pamela about it.” Astra added.

The girl frowned. “I'll consider it.” she said, obviously skeptical it was a good idea.

“Very well.” Astra agreed before pulling the girl for a warm forehead kiss. She hated to admit this, but she will miss them. The girl even more so. She had been her confident and main companion during her months of recovery.

***

Pamela was emptying grocerie bags when Astra planted herself at the entrance of the kitchen.

“Why don't I have my powers back?” she asked directly, her tone accusatory. The general wasn't sure what to make of the woman. She did heal her and took care of her, but she did hide things from her too and now it was time for the slates to get cleaned. “How did you find Kryptonite? Where is it? I can't find it anywhere.”

Pamela put the brocoli on the counter and turned to face the kryptonian, eyes menacing. Then she scoffed and smirked, abandonning her threatening stance to get back to unpacking her recent purchase. “Kryptonite directly attacks a kryptonian's body cells, breaking their surface constantly. The body needs to use a huge amount of its resources for continual self repair which leaves the individual weakened, hence inhibiting the super powers. I didn't have to recur to such barbaric technique to keep your powers in check.” Pamela smirked again and Astra was... dumbfounded.

It took the kryptonian a good moment to find her voice back. “But- but then how?”

“Your body assimilation of the sun rays are surprisingly similar to plants. That's what help me find a solution so quickly. What makes you have super powers is your body capacity to capture, store and transform the yellow sun's energy. All I had to do was to find a substance that would dim your capacity to capture the sunlight to start with. Call it a sort of sun screen for kryptonian cells, if you'd like.”

The general was taken aback. She did not expect this. The red head gloated : “I thought I told you I was the best in my field.”

Astra blinked herself back into focus. “So... my powers will come back than?”

“Yes.” Pamela assured her. “The effect of one dose last a little more than 24h.” The woman sighed and gaze intensely at the kryptonian. “I put the powder in your drinks or your food. It was fairly simple. You can have your powers back by tomorrow. IF you don't wish me nor my daughter harm.”

“What? No! Why keep it from me all that time?”

Pamela sighed again. “You were amnesiac and regarless how you see yourself, your powers are a threat. Especially if you don't remember how to control them. I let you babysit my daughter and roam free in the house, I couldn't... I didn't know if or when your memories would be back and who you would turn out to be with them. I wanted to find out first. I have been... positively surprised about your achievements, I suppose.”

Astra considered her reasonning and finally nodded her understanding. “I might have done the same.” She reluctantly admited.

“Have you regain all your memories?”

The kryptonian nodded. “Yes. And... thank you. I'm not sure what would have happened to me if... someone else would have found me.”

Pamela nodded too. “So what now? Any chance you'll be back at being an eco-terrorist? I have to admit I admire your efforts.”

Astra was fascinated. “Who are you?” She asked, intrigued, seeing a whole new side of that “doctor” since the last few days.

Dr Isley eyed her for a long moment, apparently debating what to answer to that question.

She finally spread her right arm in front of her and... Astra was stunned to see a vine appear. The plant seemingly coming out of no where turned around Isley's arm, looking alive, growing in front of the kryptonian's eyes, until a beautiful red flower bloomed at its extremity.

“I have my own secrets” Pamela confessed.

Astra walked towards the woman and tenderly carressed the delicate flower petals. Her eyes were asking more questions but she didn't dare to voice any.

“I'm Poison Ivy.” The red head finally admitted.

“Wrecking havoc in Gotham for... 40 years, if my memories serves me correctly?” Astra frown. The red head didn't look much older than 30.

“I do have an immortality glitch.” Pamela shrugged, making the vine progressively disappear. “I've been quiet and annoyingly honest, by law standards, since I got Lillian. For the child's sake. I'm surprised you heard of me in National City.”

“I had a lot of time in Fort Rozz to learn about human history and culture.” Astra smiled. “You are definitively different then what is presented in magazines and official reports. You are more fascinating than I gave you credit for! I wish we'd have more time to get to know each other.”

Pamela's head started. “I get you're not staying then?”

The general shook her head. “I wish to go back to Kara and Alex. And surrender myself.”

Ivy frowned. “But... you'll be put in prison! You were their ennemy!”

“I know. It's hard to explain but... I was dead. And if I must have a third chance at life, thanks to Rao, I want to salvage whatever is left of my relationship with my niece. I love Kara like if she was my own.” She paused. “Another feeling I trust you can relate to. And in this case, my only chance to rekindle with my niece is to surrender myself.”

That seemed to hit home. Pamela's green eyes soften, even though she was still obviously annoyed. “You are free to do as you please.” she offered non commitedly.

Astra got closer to the woman and slowly took her into a hug, murmuring in her ear : “Thank you. Thank you so much for all you did and for not turning me in. Some people in this world are horrible, I know. But I trust my niece Kara. Lillian told me the war is over. Myriad is destroyed. I have faith I will be alright.”

She squeezed a little harder and she felt the woman finally relaxing a bit into the embrace. “Your secret is safe with me” she added before releasing the red head. “Plus, I have a long life-span. Maybe one day we could see each other again.”

It took a long moment before the red head finally answered. “I think I'd like that.” She paused and frowned. “If my secret is discovered...”

“I'm a general from the kryptonian army.” Astra cut her off immediately. “When I say your secret is safe with me, I mean my words, I mean them on my life. I will not put you and your daughter in jeopardy, in the same manner you kept me safe and offered me sheltered from those who wished me harm.”

Ivy seemed to hesite, but finally nodded.

“Talking of Lillian, I think you two should talk to one another.”

Pamela's head jerked up. “Has she talked to you?”

Astra wasn't sure how to answer. “Maybe a little. So you know something is bothering her?”

The red head huffed. “Of course I know. But she won't talk to me.”

“Well she might now. You should try again.”


	2. Chapter 2

The stars were apparent in the evening sky when Astra landed elegantly on the balcony of Alex's apartment. It has been a little harder than she anticipated to leave Pamela and Lillian behind. Their last discussion was so raw and honest, it made her heart ache to stay. But Astra didn't belong with them right now and deep down she knew it. She started a mess in National City she needed to finish and she hurt people she felt the need to apologize to. So here she was, after a few hours of a liberating flight, after seeing the sun set and feeling the wind in her hair, after observing her favorites cities from above and visiting her favorite landscape for a last time, here she was, perched on agent Danvers' balcony, a dark blue shadow in the early night. She pecked inside. There were no lights on. After some internal debate, Astra exhaled loudly and decided to wait for Alex's return inside. She forced the door open in the way she thought would do the less damage and sneaked in.

Waiting was hard, and no amount of comfy cushion on the sofa could change that. Her heart seemed to beat faster than normal as she glanced around, not really knowing on what to focus her attention. She knew everything would change the minute Alex would see her and that there was no going back. Despite all her initial assurance that it would be ok, she was far to be sure how things would really turn out. She _hoped_ it would be ok, how ironic was that? Astra scoffed at herself. Still, in no version of reality could she not see Kara and Alex again. So she strengthen her resolve and took deep breaths. She needed to speak to the DEO agent, even if it'd be only for 10 short minutes.

That's when Astra heard footsteps echoed in the corridor and a set of keys rang as the door was unlocked.

Alex made her way inside after what seemed like a long day on the job, her hair a little ruffled and tiredness showing on her features, yet Astra was once again struck by her beauty. She remembered the agent's strength, her intensity, her courage, her determination and intelligence... her sensibility. She surprised herself to honestly wonder what the woman have been up to. There was always something about that human that felt different for Astra. The way she moved, the way her heart beat, the way her brown eyes could carry such a range of emotions and intensity. Alex had left a lingering impression on the kryptonian. An impression so strong that even through memory loss, she would still remember all the things she liked about the woman.

She thought about observing Alex for a longer time without saying a word. Of staying in the shadow and simply relish in the joy of seeing her alive.

But she didn't. It was time. So she stood and took a few step forward instead. The light of the kitchen reached the kryptonian's complexions as a name slip softly on her lips.

“Alexandra.”

The agent reacted rapidly, jerking back and instinctively reaching for the closest gun she owned, having her aim at the kryptonian within seconds.

“Who... who are you?” Alex asked nervously.

Astra didn't make a sound. She let the agent eyed her from head to toes, undoubtedly taking in her dark blue robe, her long hair with the white streak, the kryptonian's unique facial features. Astra progressively noticed a change in Alex's expression. Her eyes softened, her brows furrowed in doubts. Her breath was caught in her throat. The intensity between them when their eyes finally met and lingered was palpable. Before she could stop herself, the agent let out an uncertain :

“Astra?”

The human quickly recovered though, shaking her head slightly. She corrected her statement, emotions still obvious in her voice.

“No, Astra is dead. This is trickery. So who are you and how do you know me?”

“It IS me, agent Danvers.” Astra stated politely. “I'm not here to fight. Let me show you.”

Astra turned around then and pull the piece of clothe up to uncover the top of her back, where the sword had pierced her between her shoulder's blades so many months ago. She continued. “The healing was... hard. Even if I'm kryptonian, it left a mark. I trust you remember what caused this scar?”

Astra turned her head to the side to gauge Alex's reaction. The agent was still aiming at her, but she was also faltering, uncertainty appearing in her less rigid posture.

“H-How?” the human finally articulate, water gathering in her eyes.

“I was dead for a little while.” the kryptonina finally admitted, letting the dark fabric fall back into place. “Or almost dead. I don't have enough scientific data to explain this Alexandra, I do not understand the full extent of what happened. But what I do know is that at some point on my coffin's travel towards the sun, the yellow sun's power must have revived me. Detecting a life sign, I assume the auto pilot of the coffin then brought me back to the nearest hospitable planet, here, where I crashed. I was in pretty bad shape. Humans found me and nurtured me back to health. My recovery took months.”

“Astra?” Alex tried again, the word unsure like if she was trying a foreign language.

“There was a time when I called you “Brave One”.” The kryptonian tried to be as convincing as she could. “Remember, we once talked in this very apartment. About Kara and the Black Mercy. That's when I learned you two were sisters.” Astra was searching Alex's gaze now, trying to reconnect with her. She took a few steps forward. “I told you how to save my niece. No one knows all of those things. It is me.”

Alex appeared conflicted. She hesitated another moment but finally drop her gun. “Show me again.” she asked, gesturing at the kryptonian's back.

Astra complied, pulling the clothe up once more. The general flinched as she felt the woman's finger linger on her back, following delicately the long scar's edges. There was such a softness in the gesture, she felt her heart beat faster.

“Astra... if that's really you, I'm so sorry.” Alex's voice was filled with sorrow and sincerity.

Astra barely had time to turn around that she was, to her astonishment, pulled into a warm hug. She heard the woman ever so slightly sob over her shoulder as strong arms held her. Tears blurred her own eyes as she returned the embrace. A tension left her shoulders.

She gently pulled Alex away to look at her face, holding her by the shoulders.

“I'm sorry Alex, for all I put you and my niece through.” She took a pause, fumbling for words. “I don't blame you for what you did, you were protecting your own. In a reverse situation, I might have done the same.”

Alex broke eye contact then. “Ok, I... I need a drink.” She gestured vaguely and headed towards the kitchen. “Want anything?” she asked over her shoulders, while searching her cupboards for bottles of strong liquors.

“Do you have anything that could actually have an effect on me?” the kryptonian retorted.

Alex winced and grimaced. “No, sorry.”

“Then I'd take tea if that is equally alright for you.”

“Yeah, sure.” Alex agreed distractedly while quickly filling her own glass with bronze liquid.

It took mere minutes before Alex handed Astra the hot and perfumed beverage. She invited the general to her living room where they sat one in front of the other.

“You know I'll have to contact the DEO about this, right?” Alex started.

“I know.”

“Why are you here?”

Astra shifted under the scrutiny. She took a deep breath. She looked straight at the woman while answering : “I'm here to surrender.”

“I'm sorry?” Alex asked incredulously.

“I wanted to apologize to you and to speak to Kara before I'm put in custody, hence I'm at your apartment and not at the DEO directly.” the general explained.

The woman appeared dumbfounded. Then dubious. Then dumbfounded again. Astra decided to continue the explanations.

“I should have died Alex. I... _died._ I now see things with a different perspective.”

“And what would that be, what it is that you want?” Alex found her voice back.

“Think of it. The only way I can truly rekindle my relationship with my niece is by surrendering. I won't flee the consequences of what I have done.” Astra fumble to find the right words. She finally decided to go around and started on a new note. “When I woke up, I was amnesiac. I remembered nothing at all, like my life has been wiped, like a blank canvas. I felt lost and afraid.”

The kryptonian played with her hand nervously before she went on, emotion showing in her voice. “But I started having those dreams. Or flashbacks of sorts. Of you, Alexandra. Of Kara. Of Alura. Of... the people I loved the most. Haunting me, encouraging me indirectly, piqued my curiosity. I couldn't remember their names but I knew somehow that each meant something to me.” Astra's eyes were wet and she blinked to keep the tears at bay. She went on.

“Not remembering felt like I lost _everything_. But when my memories finally came back and I learned the truth... it hurt so much.” Astra saw Alex flinch uncomfortably at those words. “But I realized that through all those lost I've endured, I still had a few things. And that would be Kara and you and my life. I tried to strangle you but you would still try to convince me to change side in the midst of battle. I didn't want to kill you Alex. I didn't want to hurt Kara even back then. I was afraid and hurt. I'm sorry.”

Alex had tears falling down her cheeks by now. The two women were holding each other gaze, barely a few feet apart but feeling like there was a whole galaxy between them.

Yet they also felt a silent connection, like the first rays of sunrise, a link, a promise, a hope.

“I did what I thought was best at the time. I fought and gave my life for my believes. But if Rao offers me what I'd call a third chance at life I do wish to take a new path.” Astra exhaled loudly. She felt like she had said everything she came to say. Maybe even more than she initially intended too. Damn she wished alcohol could have effect on her too.

It took a few minutes before either of them talked again.

“I... didn't expect this.” Alex admitted, which elicited a scoff from Astra.

“If it can reassure you, I didn't expect this either.”

Alex smiled faintly and nodded. “Thank you.” She said with sincerity. “It takes a lot of balls to do what you just did.”

“Balls?”

“Courage.” Alex amended, both hiding a smile. “I'm curious, who took care of you?”

“I'm afraid I cannot disclose their identity. They fear reprimand from the DEO.”

“Reprimand? Why?”

“For helping and hiding a hostile alien.” the general offered.

“Oh. Right. That.” Alex appeared to have forgotten that for a moment.

“But I suppose there are things I could tell you, things that wouldn't compromise them, if you'd like.”

Alex sat more comfortably on the sofa. “Yeah, I'd like that.”

Astra was slightly surprised but indulged the woman happily. A long discussion ensued. About her healing, about the science of her condition, about Krypton. In turn, Astra asked Alex about her life out of the DEO and her time with Kara as a child. She had no idea why the human indulged in her curiosity, but she did. She wondered if it was the effect of alcohol. Or if the agent was still having doubts, still trying to figure out if she was lying by inviting her to talk and make a mistake. She didn't dare believe that Alex could actually sincerely... well, _care._ Just the fact that the woman listened to her speech was more than she expected.

***

 

Too soon to Astra's desire, morning came, bringing with it the first rays of sunlight. Alex alcohol has been traded for coffee a long time ago. They passed the whole night talking, both feeling a lot more relaxed with each other presence now, having made themselves comfortable with cushions and blankets on their respective couch.

“I swear I'm gonna have a headache later.” Alex complained while pinching the bridge of her nose, apparently already feeling a little off after all that drinking and the sleepless night.

“I'm not sure if I should also apologize for your current physical condition or not.” Astra stated.

The agent smiled. “Let's just agree that you have a gift for the unexpected.”

The krytonian returned a shy smile. “Is that a compliment?”

Their banter was suddenly interrupted by the ringing of the agent's morning alarm. The general knew the inevitable moment finally arrived.

“I should call Kara.” Alex stated, throwing a last look at the kryptonian before walking away with her phone.

Astra nodded, but her heart sank. Meeting Kara would prove to be another roller coaster of emotions and one step closer to her DEO cell. She sighed. It was worth it though, she thought, it had to be. Holding her niece in her arms again and seeing her alive was worth months of imprisonment, she realized. Astra hoped her niece would come visit... knowing Kara, she was sure she would come visit and that belief alone had Astra's heart swell. She expected it to be long, but maybe she could show herself to be useful, to be worthy, one day. Or maybe not... she wasn't sure. Maybe she could find another way to save this beautiful planet, she mused distractedly. One thing was sure: in this third chance at life, she would fight alongside the people she loves and care for... not against them. Cause in her last moments before she passed away, she remembered clearly she was no longer thinking about a planet or a mission, but about the people she was leaving behind...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I tend to write uncommon and unexpected kinds of fics, which I know don't please big crowds, but still, I'm glad to share and if my words can touch one person or inspire someone or someone just enjoyed the read, then it was worth it.


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